Monday, January 3, 2011

Wish I could...

A muffled pop in the night...

A chug and a grimace...

A scrape and a thud...

Just wish I could.


I feel guilty being sad, feel guilty when I hurt.

Growing up I was taught not to show sadness, that would upset others, bring others down, and that's not fair to them.

I can't seem to learn my lesson...

I can't confess the shadows that lurk inside to others, it always goes the same.

First it endears people to me, they see the sincerity, the kindness, the caring.

Then a change occurs... that damn conversion... I see anger and frustration in those eyes, hear it in those words.

They see that it's not a phase or a bad day, it's me right now. No amount of comfort and empathy I try to provide negates that frustration, it's all wiped away and my sadness is brought to the forefront.

It consumes all, eats away at the ones I care for, my shadow, my curse, it poisons those that stand by me.

This ache can't be satiated, it only repels the aide that arrives. It ever so slowly chips away at me, destroying what is left, tearing away at the little I've rebuilt.

That's why I can't share.

For that, I'm sorry.